Dissection of last fortnights' Delicious news

[1] Reebok fined for misleading butt-enhancers

The famous shoe manufacturer had to dish out 25 million US dollars (125 crore Rupees) for falsely claiming that a particular model of theirs helped the wearer develop a perfect posterior. The model was appropriately called "Easy Tone" (was it expected to make the butts be "easy" on the eyes of the beholder?). Reebok, while paying the penalty was defiant: It said, "Settling the fine does not mean we agree with the allegations - we have received overwhelmingly enthusiastic feedback from thousands of Easy Tone customers". That surely is a perfectly diplomatic half - truth because for them to have agreed to this public humiliation, they must have received overwhelmingly negative feedback from maybe millions of Easy Tone customers.

One fact that emerges from this sordid episode is that perceived beauty - spots on the female anatomy seem to be moving from the front to the back. What else can explain why so many females fell prey to the claims of Easy Tone? The "Miss World" and "Miss Universe" contests will probably make it mandatory for the contestants to now submit in their portfolio, photographs taken from behind. All cricket crazy Indians have always known how even male players from West Indies are gifted in this department - just look at a batsman taking stance to receive the next ball and you will know what I mean. When last heard, Reebok was collecting statistics about the widespread use of an earlier version of the Easy Tone model sold in these island nations to butt-ress their claim that these shoes can indeed make the wearer butt-ilicious. Meanwhile Bollywood siren Vidya Balan expressed surprise about why it was necessary to buy an expensive pair of shoes (making dubious claims) when comfortable padding was available at a fraction of the cost - she should know since she is reported to have used it while essaying the role of Silk Smitha.

The Indian statistical association confirmed that according to the Placebo effect a reasonably high success rate of 20% can anyway be achieved (in enhancing posteriors) by just intently staring at Jenifer Lopez's well endowed assets in a photograph (from behind of course) - they opined that this method was so much better for Indians who could not afford Easy Tone shoes. The Communist Party of India condemned this capitalist exercise of Reebok pandering to rich & well rounded butts when most Indians had to go around with concave (worse than flat) bellies.


[2] Divorcees can retain surnames


Under Article 21, it has now been confirmed that the wife has a fundamental right to use her post marriage name / surname, even after divorce. Many Indian women use joint surnames after marriage - so a Nilima Deshpande after marriage to a "Deshmukh" becomes Nilima Deshpande-Deshmukh. Now imagine she gets a divorce and retains her married surname and then marries a "Pathak". Does she now become Nilima Deshpande-Deshmukh-Pathak? What happens in South India where there is no surname. Does Vyjantimala Govindrajan after divorce and marriage to Veerraghavan become VGV. Thank God Elizabeth Taylor was not born in India - after six marriages, her name would have been .... well you get the point ...In India it is popular to change the first name of the wife so Nilima Deshpande could become Sujata Deshpande-Deshmukh and after the divorce maybe Rakhi Deshpande-Deshmukh-Pathak. I think this is an excellent system to completely cover up your earlier identity. I have always been wanting to know if  the law allows a husband to acquire the surname of his wife??


[3] Aga Khan the spiritual leader of Ismaili Muslims pays divorce settlement of US$ 80 million (400 crore Rs)


It has always surprised me why Aga Khan has never married any woman from amongst his own sect - the above mentioned divorce was with a German Princess and it was his second divorce. I fail to see any spirituality in all this - do you??

[4] Mexico about to create law that allows 2-years contract marriages.

Increased divorce rates are apparently forcing lawmakers to create these short term contract marriages. The couple needs to look ahead only for those two years and then decide if the contract should be renewed. I am sure there would be a notice period built into these contracts so that if one of the partners locates another soul-mate (what a parody of the word) before the current contract expires and is not patient enough to wait, then he or she could pay off the current partner in lieu of the early termination of the contract. Joining bonuses from the new partner would automatically follow. I guess Mexican HR consultants now have new business opportunities. Next on the agenda is probably a limited period contract between parents and their children. Are we in India going to continue with our super long term contracts for सात जन्म (seven rebirths)?

Interesting conversations

I am sure all of us have taken part or heard conversations between believers (B) and non believers (NB). I am presenting to you different types of conversations that usually take place.

The short one

B: Do you know that P = Q ?

NB: Can you prove it?

B: Why don't you disprove it?

NB: But you said it was true, so prove it!

B: Ha ha - prove it wrong friend or else accept that it is true

The classic one

B: I think X = Y

NB: But we have absolutely no explanation or evidence to support this

B: It has been divinely ordained

NB: But even in a court of law, they require evidence

B: Friends, we are talking about something much much above these trivial institutions.

How dare you compare HIS wisdom with that of a mere judge in a court of law

The most popular one

B: Don't you feel the presence of the Almighty, all around you??

NB: I tried my best but I really do not experience anything out of normal.

B: There must be something wrong with you. Only those who have true faith & surrender to the lord are able to feel HIS presence.

About omnipotence

B: Don't you know that GOD is omnipotent and infinitely powerful?

NB: Oh! Does that mean GOD has decided what is going to happen in your future?

B: Of course! We live only according to HIS will.

NB: But if he has decided your future, this means that he cannot change it - so how can you call

HIM infinitely powerful?

B: No HE can change it if he wants to

NB: But that means HE is not sure whether HE is going to change it or not.

B: Oh these things are beyond your puny intelligence. Let's talk of something else.

About omnipresence

NB: Where is HE?

B: Oh HE exists everywhere

NB: Then why do you want to go to Tirupati to worship Balaji - you can do so right here in the Balaji temple in our town.

B: No but Tirupati is a more auspicious location

NB: But I thought you just said that HE is everywhere. Then why is his temple at Tirupati more auspicious than at Nagpur?

B: Oh you don't understand what spirituality is all about.

NB: What has this got to do with spirituality?

B: There is no point in talking to an illiterate like you.

About our purpose on earth

NB: Do you think all of us have a pre determined purpose of getting born on earth?

B: Of course! HE has sent us on earth with a specific purpose

NB: What could have been HIS purpose in case of the people who got killed in the tsunami

B: Oh HE works in HIS own mysterious ways.

About prayers

NB: Why do you pray so often?

B: To pay my respects, ask HIM for success and happiness & to reduce my hardships

NB: But HE has already decided to give you those hardships so why will he change HIS mind

now just because you are pleading through your prayers?

B: But I must regularly pay HIM my respects by worshiping HIM?

NB: Does HE demand worship and prayers? And will HE listen to only those who pray?

B: Everyone is equal in HIS eyes.

NB: So why pray? If your intentions are good and you are leading a good moral life, HE is

watching you and will automatically reward you

B: I am not going to continue this pointless discussion.

NB: Ok, how are you sure that HE is listening to your prayers?

B: Oh, he has HIS own ways of letting me know about that.

NB: But then if I pray how will I be sure that my prayers have reached HIM? I need some

advice from you because you have been regularly praying to HIM.

B: You start praying first and you will start receiving HIS signals.

The bizarre one

NB: How does HE decide when two competing devotees want their wishes fulfilled?

B: HE ensures that the more pious one succeeds?

NB: If that is true, how are politicians and their cronies able to corner most government

contracts?

The clincher

NB: Do you really think that HE will look after you?

B : Of course HE will. He is powerful enough to take care of all his creations

NB : If he is really all that powerful, why do we lock temples. Can't HE look after HIMSELF?

Have we created GODs?

Though it didn’t strike me then, the best definition of GOD that I ever came across was in my sixth class text - book of Moral Science. It challenged the readers to think of any object that came to their mind. It then asked us to find out how that object came into existence. If, for example, you thought of “chair” as the initial object then “wood” would be the answer. The author then asked us to continue this exercise of going backward to find the cause of each effect. Thus ‘wood’ came from the ‘tree’ and the ‘tree’ from the ‘seed’ and so on. It then went on to define GOD as that “effect” which has no “cause” (the uncaused cause). This backward regression argument sounds so incomplete today - if there is indeed an omnipotent (all powerful) and omniscient (present everywhere) GOD, there has to be an even more powerful creator of such a GOD. Where is HE or SHE?

Any discussion on GOD usually gets caught in the controversy of whether GOD exists. I am going to skirt that issue because to my mind, it is of no consequence. For the believers, the question is superfluous and for the rest it is a pointless exercise because no one from the other camp is listening. Let us agree that this idea of a powerful CREATOR OF EVERYTHING seems to give solace to many. Like a wag once said, “atheists do not know whom to thank when something good happens to them, inexplicably”.

I have never been able to get cogent answers to some of these mind benders!

Why do GODs have to be married?

In Hindu mythology Vishnu has a Laxmi, Shankar has a Parvati, Ram has a Sita. Now marriages are socio-legal sanctions required by us humans to procreate. Why on earth would GODs require these? “Marrying GODs” is therefore a distinctly "human" idea.

Do GODs require “job descriptions” to manage their subjects?

Bramha creates, Vishnu preserves, Shiva disposes, Ganesha looks after all cerebral matters, Yama is the funeral director and so on and we are further told that they never transgress into the others domain. Don’t you see the human touch to this division of labour? Was it necessary for GOD to have so many assistants (or his own facets) if he was all powerful or is it that a human author created this organizational structure out of his or her own experience of how things are run on earth?

Why are even GODS, male chauvinists?

One can understand humans being male chauvinists but why GODs? Can they be unfair to half their creations (females)? While wives of all GODs are depicted as home-makers, (though they possess tremendous mystical powers) the GODs themselves go out and do the “mans work”. Barring a few exceptions (like Maa Kali) all godesses are made out to possess womanly qualities of love, softness & compassion. Please note that amongst human beings too there are a few exceptions like the Rani Laxmibai of Jhansi who did a mans’ job to achieve martyrdom. The similarity is striking. Someone appears to have used all his imagination and “earthly experience” to probably create GODs and Godesses to resemble the human race.

Why should GODs have their favourite eatables?

Time and again we are told that GODs are ethereal. How can they then have any bodily needs like hunger or sleep (in many temples, the resident GOD sleeps in the afternoon and devotees are denied darshan during those hours)? The system wherein a particular GOD likes a particular eatable seems to have been created with other motives in mind – so clearly “human”. Let us extend the logic a little further - with crores of devotees feeding all GODs so many sweets (as prasad) shouldn't all of them have got diabetes by now?

Why are GODs so fallible?

Hindu mythology is replete with examples of GODs granting a boon to even a villain who chose to pray hard with the sole and evil intention of getting that boon to trouble his fellow beings on earth. Are GODs so gullible that they could not see through the intention of this kind of devotee? Or is it the human authors’ wish to propogate the message that even sinners can pray and expect salvation, which has prompted such a picture to be painted? It seems so stage - managed, like a Hindi film.

The more you think about all this, dear readers, the more you will get convinced that GODs must indeed have been “created” by a human being. Otherwise, why would have so many qualities specific to humans, got attributed to GOD? There is no doubt whatsoever that this is the most popular creation of the human mind – in fact the best to date. The concept would not have survived the test of time, otherwise.

The ultimate "career" for all of us !

Are we not all "working" towards a position where we may not have to "work" anymore? Don't we dream of a world where students will pass without appearing for any examinations; salaries would be paid to employees without their attending office; managers would rise up the corporate ladder with no accompanying increase in accountability and of the ultimate utopia - a customer accepting whatever you dish out to him (or her) without complaints and giving you repeat sales irrespective of whether your product (or service) achieved whatever it was supposed to.

Don't be startled if I say that I have found a vocation that can give all of us a stranglehold over our customers without so much as lifting the little finger. Like all super jobs, achieving proficiency in this one will require hard work and a re-orientation of your priorities. You will soon realize that it is a small cost to pay. To top it all, we could "enter this profession" irrespective of what we are currently doing !

Once you hook a customer, it is for a lifetime (unless you are horrendously clumsy)

Which other industry will offer you this benefit? You work your backside off first to get a customer and then continue doing that to retain him. Here the customer will be with you for generations (his and yours), unless you are really incompetent.

The customer hardly understands what you "sell" but doesn't seem to mind at all

Won't some of you give your right arm for such customers? It is like giving to a customer in India, an owner's manual written in Arabic, without raising any protest whatsoever.

There is no after sales service here

Do I see a sparkle in your eyes? No warranty period blues here and no annual maintenance contracts, too. The customer keeps on demanding your service, regularly.

There is no recession in this industry

Customers never reduce their budget for this service - never mind the recession. There have in fact been instances when outside hardships and monetary crises increased the demand for these services. In normal times too people happily buy this service. You won't get a better example (coaching classes come a poor second) of perennial demand.

The customer blames himself & never the service provider, if results are not as expected

Which marketing person will not want such customers? Marketing theory, in this case, is made to stand upside down, with sellers having no accountability whatsoever.

Do I see derision on your face & serious doubt if such a career could ever exist? I too felt the same, initially - - until I saw what the purohit who comes into all our homes to perform marriages and hundreds of other religious rituals, starting from the innocuous "satyanarayan ka paath", does. He happily goes about his duties in Sanskrit, a language which most of us do not understand. We look up to him for spiritual guidance and hence he can never go wrong. We never ask him why we lost that profitable tender even though a massive pooja to propitiate the evil spirits was carried out as per his advice. We are equally enthusiastic to perform the next pooja on his recommendations to keep the appropriate "planets" happy. The guy has taken over this job (like family doctors, we all have our family-purohits) from his father and his son seems destined to take over and be the RSP (Religious Service Provider) to your children.

I have never seen such complete "hold" that any marketer has had over his clients. Thank God the RSPs don't have a trade union of their own and none of them seem to have studied business management to exploit these inherent advantages in their profession. If someone can channelise these services professionally and efficiently, we are sure to see the birth of the next "super-industry" after IT.

Celebrating Anniversaries

We Indians are a celebration - oriented people especially of the kind that means a public holiday. The holiday is generally more important to us than its cause. Anniversaries (both incoming and outgoing) are our special favourites. We are so busy celebrating the holiday that most of the times we forget to sincerely remember the person in whose name we got that holiday - and the principles that he / she stood for. There are of course those government sponsored functions (conducted early in the morning) to perfunctorily reminisce about that great person - so that everyone could spend the rest of the day like a "proper holiday".

MG is undoubtedly our biggest icon but how many take it upon themselves to tell the children in the house at least one or two inspiring stories from his life (one does not really have to wait for October 2nd to do so). Unfortunately, most of our generation (born after MG died) cannot recall appropriate stories because no one took us through this routine when we were kids ourselves. Reading MG to pass the "history" paper at school is different than remembering his innovative thoughts. For example, [1] How would he have reacted to the tremendous corruption that we find in all walks of life in India? [2] Could he have suggested a method to deal with terrorism? [3] Would the increasing divorce rates and westernization of our moral standards have troubled him? [4] Would his habit (of inflicting "pain" on himself - say by fasting) have succeeded in bringing about reconciliation amongst the warring groups or in the creation of some public good? [5] Would he have approved of the never ending "reservations" policy in the field of education or employment?

Alas, instead of ruminating on any of these, we are only busy in first dusting and cleaning his photographs & busts and then in planning how the extended weekend (due to the holiday) should be best spent. Isn't it a travesty of our calling him a 'Mahatma'?

We do the same to LBS (who shares his birthday with MG). Apart from his "mysterious" death at Tashkent, our younger generation knows nothing about the dynamism of probably the most morally upright prime minister of India.

The right way of "celebrating" such events would be to personally do something to perpetuate the ideals of the person whom we are remembering on that day and of course it is best to start with oneself. Give up a "bad" habit (smoking, drinking, laziness, egotism, casteism, superstitions or something similar) to experience the pleasure of sacrificing something you were unable to overcome all these years.

Remember, "fasts" or "shunning non-veg. food on a Thursday" or "attending a flag hoisting ceremony" are just not enough to allegedly "purify" yourself.

If you must, then celebrate anniversaries by improving yourself a little bit and by teaching kids around you to learn doing the same.

Comic Interludes in newspapers overflowing with scam - reports

From the time that they started reporting about scams with such regularity, reading a daily newspaper has become quite boring. One wonders if it is the number of scams that has gone up or are more scams getting unearthed (or is it BOTH?). I believe all newspapers have a full fledged "editor-scams" working overtime to keep pace with the frenetic activity taking place around us. It was therefore a big relief to read some genuinely comic news - am sharing the mirth with you.

Astrological signs have changed due to wobbling of the earth. The earth apparently wobbled a little while rotating around its axis and expert astrologers feel this could lead to a change in the sun and moon signs ( राशी ) allotted to us poor mortals. Do you realize that your forecast for tomorrow, predicted by your favourite quack, could now apply to your driver? So don't take that (you are entering a phase of cordial relations with your spouse) very seriously. Astrologers who had barely recovered from the irresponsible act of astronomers who a few years ago, had discovered new planets, could not however explain why this "wobbling" itself could not be predicted. In spite of so many studies indicating that astrology has no statistical significance, it is indeed comic to see people giving it a "life defining" status. So please continue to stay indoors during राहू काल and oh yes, to avoid constipation, visit the toilet at an auspicious time recalculated for your newly changed राशी.

Priest at Tirumala temple steals gold ornaments donated by devotees. So finally nemesis caught up with those who have been plundering GOD's wealth. The priest was candid enough to say that he had sacrificed a lot for the deity and thus did not consider the robbery as a crime but a just return for his years of सेवा. On getting caught, he must have surely wondered where his भक्ती fell short. So much for hypocrisy of the highest order. I have often wondered why temples are locked at all. If the lord cannot protect his own property, how can he look after his devotees.

Union Bank of India opens a lock-less branch. The bank opened a new branch at शनी शिंगणापूर (in Ahmednagar district, Maharashtra) and decided not to lock any doors or their safety lockers, because the town is supposed to be protected from robberies by no less than शनी देव himself - no house in the village has doors and no robberies have been allegedly reported. When last heard, local police were planning to officially complain to RBI because apart from this "open" branch contravening banking regulations, they expect it to be a big "law & order" headache. So much for the faith that the official machinery has in the policing abilities of शनी.

Nagpur Traffic police notices no reduction in accidents at road junctions where वास्तू शास्त्र approved pyramids had been buried. Adopting a bizarre solution, the traffic authorities had resorted to burying special pyramids beneath some "killer" road junctions where accidents did not reduce in spite of their best efforts. Predictably, nothing changed except some "egg on the face" of the traffic police. I hope the experts who advised this move are punished and their names prominently published so that the public at large does not get duped. We must thank our stars that the CID is not resorting to using planchets to talk to the spirits of dead victims in their bid to find out who murdered them. I think CBI should not be allowed to close the Arushi case unless they talk to her spirit.

Kerela high court asks if the "divine" light (मकरविल्लकु ) at सबरीमला temple is man-made? It appears that this magically appearing light has been robbed of its "divinity" because it has now been admitted that some tribals have been lighting it for many years. As an interesting sidelight, the chief minister belonging to the atheistic communist party has already declared that he will not order any investigation that would hurt the faith of a large population of devotees. So we now have a new norm: It is alright to maintain the delusion of millions instead of recognizing a truth that stares you in the face. So women will continue to be debarred from this temple and devotees will continue to throng at the annual festival after supposedly "purifying" themselves through abstinence from meat, liquor and sex - only to happily continue sinning thereafter, until the next festival. I have never understood why only "believers" can protest about somebody "hurting their faith". Can't the other side protest about this persistent foolishness "hurting their intelligence"?

Come to think of it, isn't religion the biggest scam of them all ??

For more wholesome entertainment, click the following link and hear Pat Condell demonstrate how not to beat around the bush - he is absolutely superb.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P4dSiHqpULk